Chapter 2 - Tu Migele Mogacho

“So I didn’t put you off. “ He said as he pulled me in to his arms.

“So this is what they call vicarage?” I was checking out his place. It was tastefully decorated, bright and smelt gorgeous. Clearly he was the man of tastes. He meticulously took care of everything. Immaculately clean and attended each and every finer details of housekeeping. I felt embarrassment remembering the sad state of my apartment during our last encounter.

“What do you think?” he asked me.

“Clearly you are well off.”

“Church pays for everything. I get reimbursed. I get some stipend.” He was smiling. He has this crooked lower lip pursing fold when he smiles. Almost like a pout. I am sure it was unintentional but still was very sexy. I could not resist but kiss him. He was what I call a good reciprocate kisser. There was certain gentleness in his kisses and caress. Almost paternal tenderness. But then he was priest and most people called him “Father.”

“How old are you Jeffery?” I should have asked him this before.

“How old do you want me to be?” He always tried hard to be a tease.

“We are not in to role play. Are we?” My guess was he was around my age. He had some toned physique. He didn’t drive but cycled a lot. I guess he did lot of running too. He was fit and had some masculine flair about him.

“I am thirty seven.” He was whispering in my ears as he was trying to lick the nape of my neck. Warm breath waves created a gentle stimulation.

“You are old. I am only thirty one. Will be thirty two this October. Do I call you father then?” I was in the mood of tease both physically and mentally.

“No. You call me Jeff.” I guess he didn’t like the tease. The firmness in his voice could not be missed.

“So how was it growing up? You always wanted to be a priest?”

“You have not met Bruno. Let me call him.” Felt like he was trying to distract away from that talk.  Clearly he didn’t want to speak about him and his childhood.

Bruno was cute. Almost as well behaved as his master. The master was naughty in the bed though. He had softest bed with silkiest feeling sheets. They matched the tenderness of his touch.  He had what I call an art of touch. The way he caressed the body was almost magical. I almost used the word divine there. Let’s keep divinity separate from his closet life.

He taught lot of things. Lot of things I learnt from him. Attention to finer details, tastes for finer things in life, taking care of needs of one’s partner and so on. He took care of his partner’s needs in the bed very well. Made sure I was not in pain and made sure I had equal pleasure as him. Very few men before him and after him I encountered did that.

“So how long you’ve had your car for? And why is that you are driving Beetle? It is such a gay car” he would tease me.  “Why have you got these blonde streaks in your hair? You have got such a beautiful auburn hair.” He had made clear his reservations about my queer tastes.

“Do you think people know that I am gay?” I asked him innocently. As much as I wanted to come out I still had this fear of people exposing me out before I was ready.

“You drive Beetle and got blonde streaks in your hair? All you need is a Chihuahua.” He was laughing again. “You know what? You make me laugh”.

“I think eventually I will come out. I need to. It is hard. I have to tell my parents too.”

“Are you sure you really want to do that. I don’t think you should put them through that.”

“It will be easy for them when they know that I have a partner.”

“Do I have to speak their language?” He was laughing gain. “My future in-laws?”

Wasn’t he going too far too quickly? We have been chatting online for a week and this was only our second meeting. We both had mutual liking to each other and the sex is great. But talking about future together was bit premature I thought.

“As you guessed already we have to keep this a secret.” I looked in to his eyes as he said those words.

“Discretion assured” I said as I was cuddling him running my nails through the hair in his chest. As my fingers delicately drew circles around his nipples he pulled me closer to him and kissed me stroking my back.

“I think you seriously reconsider the decision of coming out. It is not important whether to come out or not. What is important is you finding someone who loves you.” He whispered.

It was like a spell. I loved that moment. I loved being in his arms. I loved his whispers. I loved each and everything that was between us. I didn’t want it to stop. He was all what anyone would ask for.

“I have got two tickets for the musical Beauty and the Beast. I know the manager of Empire and he got me the tickets. They are good seats. I want you to join me.” It sounded more like a command then asking me.

“Are you sure you want to me to be seen in public with you?”

“It’s just a musical at a theatre. I don’t think people coming to my church will be there. It will be like two friends going to the musical.”

“Ok. I shall.” I kissed him good bye as it was getting bright in the morning. I had to drive back to my place before peak hour traffic between the cities started.

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“You didn’t?” Sandra was astonished when I told her about my visit to Vicarage.

“I did. It felt nice.”

She had a smile and she squinted as if she was trying to figure out. I hated it when she was scrutinizing my deeds. Trying to gauge my morality I thought.

“Yes it felt nice. He is a God’s man. Serving him is like serving the God”

She burst in to laughter. We were working a night shift together. Night shifts are usually not maniac. Tends to get easier around early hours where we do get time to sit and chat.

“It doesn’t work that way.  But if that’s what makes you happy. So be it. But be careful hunn”

“I am always careful. It is a great sex. He is a great lover. He is taking me to the musical Beauty and the Beast at Empire.”

“Are you sure? I thought it was just sex. He wants to do other stuff with you too?” Sandra had her reasons of doubt.

“I don’t know Sandra. I really don’t know. I love being with him. I am not looking for anything serious. He wants discretion. Works both for us.”

“You need to think it again Su. It may not be all that what it seems. It is complicated. You will lose a lot here. He will too. Something doesn’t feel right. If you are asking me I would say finish it now.”

“No. It is exciting. I am discrete anyway.”

Sandra wanted to say something but went quiet when she saw charge nurse Janet walking.

“Hello Janet.” I greeted Janet. She was always kind to me.

“Hello Sunshine!” She always called me that. “Seeing you after long. You are glowing. Have you found someone?”

“No Janet. This Sandra is taken.” I laughed.

She giggled. “It doesn’t have to be woman you know!”  She winked and walked away.

Sandra was watching all this. “See. I told you. It is imminent. You need to come out soon. Tell them before they out you. If you are doing it then do it at your terms.”

Sandra had her case rested. I knew what she was trying to say. Somewhere even I agreed with her. But to cross that bridge I needed some support. Someone to show to the world. Someone worthwhile beside me who could convince the world and validate my choice.

Is Jeff that guy? That was what I not sure of.

My messaging and chatting online with Jeff continued. We discussed everything. Music, art, theatre, history books, philosophy and even religion. He was very passionate when he quoted the Bible. His depth of knowledge amused me and he himself intrigued me as a person.

We even started going out together. Occasionally dine out and see musicals in Manchester or Liverpool. We saw Beauty and the Beast first. It was fun watching musicals with him because he would talk about the history of the production and the actors like a true fanatic. We behaved like two friends on outing. I was surprised we were never spotted together by anyone we knew

Our encounters needed to be discrete which was fine by me. He would text me at 10 pm and I would jump in to my car and drive 40 miles just to spend a night with him. Even in the middle of working week. The nights were really worth the drive. The physical intimacy was divine. Can I use that word to describe it? Oh hell! I can. It was in every sense. That’s what happens when you like someone. The encounters just become divine.

He made a point to read more about Indian culture and Hinduism and would come with anecdotes to impress me.

“Did you know that the Tulsi Indian basil plant in the front yards of Indian homes signifies the mistress of the Lord? India is the only country which respects mistresses to the divinity for their devoted unconditional love” He told me one day.  

“Impressive Jeff…. Even I didn’t think it that way!” I said.

“This is what we call collision of the cultures.” He smiled.

“Only collision I know now is of our interests” I was teasing him.

“I know exactly what’s going to collide.” He whispered as he would slide himself in to my duvet and stroked my naked butt.

“By the by, I got tickets for Blood Brothers.” He whispered as he breathe in to my ears.

“I have watched it in Westend. It’s a sad musical.”

“No darling. You haven’t watched Blood Brothers if you have not watched it in Liverpool.”

Blood Brothers which is an iconic British musical written by a Liverpudlian Willy Russell set in Liverpool. Though it was also a westend phenomenon and had numerous international versions, it had certain cult classic status in North of England especially Liverpool. Sad story of twins separated at birth whose paths keep crossing only to end tragically.

“That’s very Bollywood. Seen it before.” I tried to dismiss his enthusiasm.

“It’s Liverpool. It’s scouse. You will enjoy it in Liverpool. Trust me it is an experience.” His eyes were convincing as he said that.

I must admit I actually enjoyed watching the musical Blood Brothers with him. The atmosphere was buzzing. Everyone in the audience had seen it multiple times before. They would reminisce how they performed it in school productions or studied it as a curriculum. Each one of the Liverpudlian had their own story about Blood Brothers. It touched them at different levels and yet it was huge part of their psyche and culture. Every year there would be a production of it in Liverpool. I never realised that it was such a big phenomenon it was untill I watched it with thousand plus audience full house in one of the biggest theatres of Europe.

Jeff always made sure we got best seats. He always pulled a favour from the theatre manager.  “Always watch a musical on sixth row from stage in the middle.” He would say.

When the climax scene and the tragedy happened on stage there was pin drop silence. I looked towards Jeff as he was squeezing my hand. I could not believe he was in tears. I gently squeezed back. That moment he looked at me and smiled. I saw lot of different feelings in his eyes. Gratitude, thankfulness, kindness and sadness. I am still trying to figure out what he wanted to say. I knew there was something he wanted to say. But crowded theatre was not the place for it I guess.

He was quiet through the car journey to his vicarage. I knew he was shaken. I thought he needed time as I could see clearly he was disturbed. I thought I should leave.

“Su! Will you stay with me tonight?”

“Of course I will. I thought you wanted time on your own tonight. You clearly are upset after the musical.”

“This may be tenth time I am watching this musical. Gets me every time. But it was special watching it with you tonight.”

That night we made love. It felt like we made love. It was something which I never experienced before. It didn’t feel carnal. It felt soulful.

I slipped out of the bed as the sun was rising and quietly dressed and drove back next day.

I was much shaken that day. What I experienced with Jeff left me shaken. The theatre, the tears, the look and the soulful physical intimacy.

I received a text message from him in the evening.

It read “Tu Migele Mogacho”

It shocked me. Not only did he went on to internet and got it translated in my mother tongue Konkani, also he said “I Love You”.

He said that he loved me in my native language.

Something in me then told me this is the beginning of something big in my life. Something which will change my life forever. My life was not going to be same again.

Chapter 1 - GAYDAR

Do you remember those days?

Same sex unions were still illegal in UK but the bill had just been passed. The days before smartphones and Grindr. Those days we would chat to people in bars and arrange to go on dates. Not just hook up. That did happen too. But not as much as we do now. I am talking about those days.

The year was 2005. I had moved from Cardiff to outskirts of Manchester. Started working in the same hospital where I was junior doctor once. It was like the return of prodigal son. I was not that timid and clumsy anymore. I had groomed myself. No clothes from “Next” or “GAP”. Instead I was I was more of “Topman” and “River Island” sort of trendy clothes. Words like “Darling” and “Fabulous” were part of my vocabulary. In my early thirties full of dreams and aspirations.

I was completely comfortable with my sexuality. Having had one not-so-serious relationship almost two years prior to that I was meeting people and dating. Exploring and discovering the queer world trying to find the slot to fit in.

I was not out at work. Though most of close friends knew and rest just guessed. I felt that once I find a place I’d fit in I shall come out to rest. I was getting good at things like avoiding the talk of my sexuality or settling down. People were kinder then I expected them to be. They gave me the space and time I needed without being too intrusive. That is something I miss from the day of not coming out.  Once you come out then things change. Your love life becomes everybody’s business. Everyone has that one gay hairdresser they want to fix you up with.

Those days for the weekdays we had something called Gaydar. A gay hooking date and chat website. Every gay man was the member on it. Even the ones who were in the relationship. Lot of them were there just to chat and teas. Lot more were there looking for sex. I was there doing what lot and lot more did. My profile picture was concealed but I would send a picture in a message once I was comfortable with them. Discretion should be assured first.

Weekends were easier. I would dress up and go to Canal street which would be buzzing. I even started counting the kisses I got every night I been out. Occasional one night stand here and there.

Every evening I would log on to Gaydar and chat with people. That was my way of getting to know about the world which I felt I belonged but yet trying to fit in.

One such day I was logged on to Gaydar on my laptop. I got a private message from someone who called himself “Popperfun.”

“Hello” it said. Popperfun? I was not sure of this. I checked his profile anyway. All that said was “Sane, Discrete, Sorted, Fit and VWE looking for fun. Not looking for anything serious. Can accommodate but rarely travel”. No picture uploaded either. For some reason I didn’t feel like ignoring this one.

“Hello” I replied back.

“You looking for?”

“It depends what is on offer” I took my time replying back.

“Pic to swap?” His reply was prompt and meant business. I get a picture of a man in his dinner jacket sitting in table. Looked like it was clicked at somebody’s wedding. Picture was bit amateurish but the content looked promising. Fit looking man in his mid-thirties with beautiful blue eyes and wavy smooth mousy hair. Rather dashing.

I reluctantly sent my picture. “Sorry I am not out. You need to be discrete” my message followed.

“You are cute looking. Want to go out for a coffee with me?” He was asking me out on a date!

“May be. Depends where we go?” I made things clear stressing that I was not out and didn’t date much.

“I don’t drive but I can take train to where you are.” He was apologetic too.

That didn’t sound promising. Man who can’t drive! Not promising at all.

“I can drive closer to yours if you want” I was feeling generous. Normally I don’t feel this generous.

“Let’s meet closer to yours.” He messaged back.

“Okay then. How about this Wednesday?” We chatted and finalised the meeting on one day midweek. He could not do Saturdays and Sundays but any other day with proper notice was fine for him. That was convenient for me too. I am hungover on Sundays when I am not working anyway.

I chose a coffee shop in the high street where I lived. Bumping in to a familiar face is the risk I will be taking but then I have taken that risk before. I was just having coffee with a guy like friends do it all the time.

“I am Jeffery. You can call me Jeff.” He messaged back.

“Hello Jeffery. You can call me Su.”

“Where are you from Su? Let me guess. You are from India. You Indians have got beautiful eyes”. He was charmer too. But compliments always does for me.

He was very complimenting throughout the chat. Sort of unusual for the dating site liked that. Either they talk dirty or they try to sell themselves most of the times. More in to that chat few things became clear. He seemed to be very well mannered, grammatically impeccable and oozed compassion in the way he formed the chat. It was clear that he was in to me. He looked good in the picture he sent too. Bingo! This may be it. May be I found my match.

We exchanged numbers. Those were the days we sent text messages without any apps.

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“Su… you are smiling”, Sandra who is a close friend mine at work was trying to figure out. “That text which just came made you smile. What are you hiding from me?” We were sitting by the nurse’s station.

“Go away. It’s just the joke some friend sent”

“Sounds like something naughty and personal to me. You are blushing babes. Who is the man?”

“Hush Sandra… don’t say it that loud. I am still not ready to tell people”

“Babes… who are you waiting for? Most of them suspect you are gay anyway. Sister Liz was asking other day. She is like you are close to him. You would know. She even suggested I fix you up with Nadine the student nurse. She just split with her boyfriend.”

“What did you say?” I was curious.

“None of my business babes. But I just said Nadine may not be having right thing what Su is looking for.” Sandra winked.

“No! You didn’t.” I was wide eyed and could not stop  expressing my surprise. “By the way I was about to tell you. I have been chatting with this guy online. He is gorgeous looking and is from Liverpool. I am going on date with him tonight.”

“How long has this been going on? Why am I the last to know?” Sandra had to complain.

“A week or so. We have been chatting for hours every day online and texting each other in between. He seems to know so much about things. He knows so much about India and my culture. He seem to be pretty keen on me. I like him too.”

Sandra was just looking at me and staring in to my eyes. She had a little smile on her lips with a glow in her eyes. I was trying to figure out what she was trying to say.

“I can see that you are falling for this one before you met him even. Be careful Babes. There are lot weirdos out there. You are easily trusting. What did he say he was doing? Have you told him that you are a doctor yet?

“He told me he is a lecturer in the university there. Yes I have told him that I am a doctor. He like it too.”

I don’t think Sandra was convinced. I felt something in her doubted this all. She wouldn’t say what.

“Just be happy for me. Will you?” I had to cut short the conversation as I saw the matron walking towards the nurse’s station.

On the day of my date I was running late. I could not decide what I was supposed to wear. This was a proper date I was going after few years. Something told me this one is going to turn special. As I was hoping and praying that he has not already left. As I was rushing myself towards the café, I saw him outside the café talking to an old lady. He was smiling. He looked like he was genuinely caring towards her and it was not a mere chat. As he smiled his perfect teeth just added radiance to his already glowing face. He was wearing a black trousers with well ironed fit shirt tucked in. His body looked fit as if he was cycling a lot. Lean 6 foot tall he had his hair gelled back. There was old vintage Hollywood charm in the way he dressed and behaved.

He saw me waiting by the door. He said goodbye to the lady and turned towards me.

“Hello there Su.” Could not miss that accent…..Irish. Wow!!!. My weakness of Irish men was well known. This was bad idea. I may fall in love with this man. Everything about him was far too good to be true. He even smelt divine.

“What aftershave is that you are wearing?”

“Amen from Thierry Mugler. Isn’t it nice?” his words were musical sounding with his lilt.

“Looks like you are a man of tastes.” I tried to charm him too.

“The very reason I chose you.” He was quick to charm me back. We made ourselves comfortable on a corner table and ordered some coffee. I was dazed by all this. We spoke a lot about my work, my family and how I have not come out and all those things. I somehow felt he was guarded by something.

“Does your family know?” I tried to poke out more from him.

“Know what? That I sleep with men? No. I would rather keep it that way.” I could sense some discomfort.

“Do you like dogs? I have a dog. He is called Bruno. He lives with me. My mum and Dad look after him sometimes.”

“I don’t mind dogs. Cats I don’t like.” I started laying my cards.

“You will love Bruno. Bruno will love you. He likes his daddy’s boys very much.” He was starting to flirt.

“So his daddy has lot of boys then?” I winked.

“Not a lot. Off late he has been complaining daddy has none.”  He winked back.

Our conversation turned naughtier as we got comfortable. I was thinking this man makes me laugh. He is someone I can have an intelligent conversation with and have also laugh over stupid dirty joke.

“Can I come to yours now? I can take later train back home.” He was straight to the point.

As we walked to my apartment I was apologetic to him for the messy state of my room. “I share my apartment but fortunately my flatmate is away.”

It didn’t matter I guess. The moment we were in the apartment the passion flowed. He was a great kisser and what followed after was even great. He was much more experienced then I was. He took care of me. He made sure I was comfortable and was gentle. It was great sex.

As we were lying in the bed afterwards naked, me stroking his chest and he lining of my butt curve he asked me, “Do you want to see me again? I definitely want to see you again.”

I was taken aback. Nobody asked me that before. “Are we getting married?” I joked.

“Till death tears us apart” He laughed.

“Sounds like you have told that line lot of times” I winked.

We dressed and I walked him to the station. Few people passing by looked at us. It must be strange for them looking at men walking together in a small town if they are not staggering out of the pub.

Train station was empty. He was holding my hands and stroking my palm.

“I really like you. I will be happiest if we could see each other again.” There was certain gentleness in his whisper. Melodic and sexy. That unmissable Irish lilt anyone will fall in love with.

As the train approached he squeezed my hand and then let it go. He kissed me on my lips. I was worried and started looking around. It was late, dark and deserted in the platform. He was the only person who was boarding the train.

Before he boarded the train as I was telling him final goodbye when I asked him, “You never told me what you taught in the University.”

He smiled and replied, “Theology” and boarded the train. I was smiling. As the train was moving and he waved at me.

“It was beautiful. Thank you for the lovely time. We need to meet again. Jxxx” He text me.

“Thank you. I loved it too.” I think I was falling for this guy just as Sandra feared.

As I walked back I received three more love texts from him which made my walk home easier. I was thinking that next time when I meet him I should talk more about his work and family as this time it was all about me. As I reached home and fixed myself a meal and then went for a run. After an hour or so when I was about to hit the sac I felt like logging on to the Gaydar. As soon as I logged in. I saw he had sent me a photo message. It was taking awful lot of time for it to load. Meanwhile as I was waiting I went on to Google to look for the word “Theology.”

Theology- Religious studies appeared on the screen. Interesting!!! He taught religion! Yet he didn’t sound preachy at all. My photo was downloaded and I got this notification.

My eyes popped out in shock…literally. This picture of Jeffery in his robe holding the holy bible in the altar of a chapel.

Little message read “Didn’t want to put you off. I am a Roman Catholic Priest. I love my job. If you still want to meet me, I will be happy. If you change your mind I will understand”.

Oh my God!!! This one is going to take me straight to hell !!!